Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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