I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
