There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
