Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
