just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
