A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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