Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
