Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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