well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
