yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
