Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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