I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
