I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
