And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
