either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
