This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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