i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
