I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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