Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
