Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
