Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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