Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
