I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
