i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
