I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
