Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
