life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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