sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
