don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
