I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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