when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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