Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
