Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
