Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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