do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
