I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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