hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
