I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
