So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
