I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
