He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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