Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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