you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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