when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
