As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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