I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
