hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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