every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
