Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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