Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
